Douches of History Scale: A Primer

In an attempt to introduce a more analytic approach to our outing of douches, we are developing a Douches of History Scale. Such a scale will help you understand such references as when a friend claims, "Jared Leto is as douchey as Francois Mitterrand." Although context should make most of these references pretty obvious, you, as a novice douche rater, might not understand if such a comparison means Jared Leto is a major or minor douche. Our scale runs from 0-10, with 10 being a major douche, and each point increment is helpfully keyed to a famous douche from history. By memorizing our scale you can avoid any and every potential cultural faux pas. However, if you have a weak memory, you can download our essential Douches of History iPhone app. The app not only helps you to understand just how much of a douche bag John Boehner is (George Custer level) but allows you to search for obscure historical individuals so you can use them as douche bag references and make your conversation partner feel inferior.

1. Ayn Rand - The politically minded "philosophical" "novelist" marks the lowest level of douchey-ness because she herself wasn't really a douche. Rather, it is her ideas and those who ascribe to her ideas that are the douches. Two examples are Alan Greenspan and jdm in high school.
2. James Buchanan - Our 15th president was only effective at doing two things 1) keeping slavery around until Lincoln could be elected and 2) having a great pompadour. Pompadour? Can you say pompadork?
3. Boris Yeltsin - Yeltsin is the archetype of every VH1 Behind the Music episode. Rises to stardom as the savior of his country (or Rock and Roll). Declares war on a small breakaway province (or dumps pre-stardom girlfriend). Begins drinking and falls from grace (idem rock stars). Ends life as a drunk and an embarrassment to his country (or genre).
4. William Stoughton - The chief magistrate at the Salem Witch Trials. Joseph McCarthy can only wish he was this douche-tastic. But to reach that level, McCarthy would have had to hang those he accused.
5. ? - Any ideas?
6. Francois Mitterrand -The 4th president of the 5th French Republic, this douche-tastic frog tried to restore the greatness France had lost twice to the Germans in war. Mitterrand's military conquests included providing financial and military support to the Hutu genocidaires. Supporting a government engaged in the mass murder of 20% of its population is pretty awful but not necessarily douchey. Mitterrand earns his douche chops by coverterly blowing up a Greenpeace vessel called the Rainbow Warrior while the boat was in New Zealand territorial waters. The government of New Zealand called the sinking the first terrorist attack in the country. It wasn't revealed until 20 years later that Mitterrand had personally authorized the attack. Nothing says douche like having your country, after it has lost two world wars, declare war on an environmental non-profit organization.
7. Henry VIII or John Wilkes Booth?
8. George Custer -The man was a bigot and racist who as a general lead the U.S. cavalry in the wholesale slaughter of Native Americans. What makes Custer a douche was not his despicable activities but the panache with which he went about his labor. Other than Hitler it is hard to find a greater megalomaniac, but at least Hitler was an obviously evil SOB. Custer was a mass murdering dandy and nothing, to my mind, says extraordinary douche like a women-and-children-killing-dandy who is so inept he leads his own men into one of the greatest disasters in U.S. military history.
9. King Leopold II - For Leo it just wasn't good enough to be King of Belgium. But lets admit, King of Belgium is hardly something to brag about, not like being the King of Spain. So, to compensate for the small size of his "kingdom," Leo claimed the entire Congo as his own private property. Leo's personal fiefdom was over 80 times the size of the country he ruled (how's that for "kingdom" enlargement?). Using a brutal mercenary force Leo extracted what he could from the land and its people. When I think of Leo I think of the ruthless toy-killer Sid from Toy Story, except Leo killed real people. At his funeral, the Belgium people booed.
10. Adolf Eichmann - Hitler fails to reach a douche level of 10 because he at least had the good graces to kill himself. Adolf Eichmann is a 10 out of 10 because he forced us (by us I mean the Israeli Mossad) to hunt him down in Argentina, transport him to Israel, provide him with room and board while he stood trial, etc. It might be one thing to organize and manage the extermination of an entire people group. Its another thing to then make that people group foot the bill for your living expenses and eventual execution. Talk about the ultimate unwanted house guest.

New Kid on the Block

Apparently, my desire to name and claim the douchery of others is a genetic defect (super-power?), because my brother has decided to get in on the action with the brand-spanking new Blog of Douche Bags. Apparently, he didn't get the memo that Pandas had already invented the Douche-tastic Scale, which even sought to quantify the levels of douchery one person could attain. But alas, there is room in the internet machine for more than one douche-outer (unless there is not enough room in which case, who rules Barter Town? I rule Barter Town). And so, I suggest we return to our anti-doucheing ways.
Since today is such a historical day with the whole Berlin Wall Thingy, I suggest we develop a new category called Douches of History. Any suggestions? With your suggestion, be sure to put him or her on a 1-10 scale of douchery. Also, let's not just assume that Hitler is a 10, I mean, he's getting to be like J.K. Rowling was when they had to develop a new Children's Lit Best Seller List just because she was always on top of the regular list. She can't ALWAYS win, right?

Happy 20th Birthday to a Unified Berlin

Twenty years ago today the Berlin Wall came down. I remember this event with particular clarity because we had a German exchange student from Hamburg living with us at the time. I have seen few people in my life as happy as he was on that day. However, not everything has been peachy since 9 November 1989 For a parallax view on the event, check out Slavoj Zizek's op-ed piece in today's New York Times. Oh, big al and FR, did I mention I went to a Zizek lecture last month and got his new book for free? I think I did but I figured I would bring it up again.

Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros

I love the way these guys (and girls) perform live shows. So much fun. They are playing this week in NYC but, unfortunately, the show is sold out.

Saving the Earth or Saving Face?

Al Gore was on The Daily Show on Wednesday. Jon Stewart was surprisingly critical, which I kinda enjoyed. However, I could not get passed Al's face. Did he get a face lift?

my new fave

I love how this guy's political commentary can be both snarky/sarcastic and insightful at the same time. You should read his blog.

"With the emboldened Teabagging movement slowly devouring the GOP, Democratic victories are starting to feel less like one army defeating another and more like an army firing tear gas into a disorganized mob."

http://www.ginandtacos.com/

Try Hiding in a Cave...

I think I inadvertently stumbled onto the answer to our problems in Afghanistan. Reading a friend's news item and rumination upon bears, I found this tidbit:

A bear killed two militants after discovering them in its den in Indian-administered Kashmir, police say.
Two other militants escaped, one of them badly wounded, after the attack in Kulgam district, south of Srinagar.
The militants had assault rifles but were taken by surprise - police found the remains of pudding they had made to eat when the bear attacked.

Now, there are about 12.3 things I'd like to say about this. First, pudding? Read that last sentence again... "police found the remains of pudding..." what the hell is the remains of pudding? When you attack pudding, what remains is pudding... just less of it. And what kind of self-respecting militant eats pudding? Did Bill Cosby go ape-sh*t and decide to fight the system by trading his sweaters for a Chapan?
The second thing I'd like to say is that I think there is something in this bear thing. What if we shipped a thousand bears to the Waziristan region of Afghanistan? Try hiding in a cave when there are a thousand drugged up, homeless bears looking for a place to sleep. Knock, knock, who's there? Bears and they're gonna eat your pudding.

We Are Douchebags

Can Weezer Fall Further from My Grace?

Happy Wednesday

From The Onion, from a long time ago...


Prague's Franz Kafka International Named World's Most Alienating Airport

Lazer Science News

In more news of scientists using their powers for banality and not for good, scientists are trying to use lasers to keep planes from colliding. BOOOORING. Seriously, how many planes collide a year? 4? How many times does a single person think to his or herself, "man, I could really go for a 1/3 patty of beef cooked by a beam of pure energy!" 453.
Seriously, scientists, get off your lazy asses and start making a laser beam that can cook a hamburger. Enough with the bullsh*t.

Election Day

It's election day, and you're thinking, "What do I look for in a candidate for the Parks Board?" Well, you could go for corporate experience, because nothing says, "I know how to take care of the average person" like years of bilking the average person for the sake of a few rich elite investors. Or, you could choose someone for ideological reasons, for example, you don't want gay, abortion doctors in our city parks. But when it comes to voting for a Mayor, you want something awesome. Or you just want awesome. Why not choose Joey for Mayor then? As his bio says, "Unlike other politicians, Joey has no experience and is thus unable to have become corrupted. Furthermore, Joey has a proven record of awesomeness that can be counted on should the city face natural disaster, war, famine, Act of God, or any of a hundred other things that other candiates (sic) aren't busy thinking about.
Should Joey be elected this year, he will be sure to express his gratitude by humbly taking office and putting his years of playing Sim City to use. He'll not only improve the city but will do so with a smile."

Who Said Taking the Bus Wasn't Cool?

Whales are Smug

Stop it. Stop laughing. Seriously, whales, I don't know what you think you saw, but you can stop with this whole smug schtick. What, you think you're better than me? You know what whales, f*ck you. I don't need your undersea airs and I'm tired of your crap. Asses.